Which Scam Are You According To Your Sign?

Culture

Two things that probably crossed your feeds within the last day: an Olivia Jade/Operation Varsity Blues news story, and an astrology meme. We’re living in the golden age of scammers—and of hyper-specific astrological readings. What does the year of the scam mean for you, personally? Here, we reveal what scam you are, based on your sign.


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Aries: Fyre Festival

Influencers! Drugs! Sexual favors! This Arian true-life scam is so unbelievable it practically writes itself as a Michael Bay action movie. Here’s the screenplay: an unseasoned entrepreneur was able to convince thousands to pay for a luxury music festival on a remote island. However, conditions upon arrival more closely resembled “Lord Of The Flies” than a tropical paradise, and panic swiftly ensued. An important takeaway for impulsive, excitable Aries: never underestimate the importance of follow through!


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Taurus: Detox Tea

As a sign that tends to overindulge, the scammy detox tea seen all over Instagram is the perfect answer to Taurus’s hedonism. One catch: they don’t actually work. In fact, detox teas have come under fire recently for promoting disordered eating by promising “quick fixes” by paying celebrities to promote their products. As Taurus knows all too well, slow and steady wins the race when it comes to wellness.


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Gemini: Russian Trolls During 2016 Election

Gemini represents journalism, facts and communication and the Russian fake social media ads during the 2016 election were the perfect storm (гроза) of all of these things. Entire timelines have been dedicated to understanding how and why Russians were able to manipulate the facts to create pro-Trump and Bernie Sanders ads that ran across Facebook and other social media platforms, ushering in a new era of “fake news.” A scam with real geopolitical consequences!


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Cancer: Gypsy Rose Blanchard and Dee Dee Blanchard

As the sign that represents the home, mother and our upbringing, the Gypsy Rose and Dee Dee Blanchard scandal takes these Cancer virtues and turns them into the stuff of nightmares. Dee Dee, Gypsy’s mother, abused and emotionally manipulated her daughter for over 20 years until she was murdered by Gypsy’s boyfriend. Even if you’re not a Cancer, it’s impossible to to watch The Act or Mother Dead And Dearest without tearing up.


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Leo: College Admissions Hoax

Leos are the ultimate performers, and for them all the world’s a stage. Not only were two high-profile actresses — Lori Loughlin and Felicty Huffman — caught at the center of this scam, they helped others “act” their way through the college admissions process. According to sources, the two helped other celebrity children cheat the college admissions process, by either manipulating standardized tests scores or using bribes to fake athletic credentials. In true Leo form, Lori Loughlin will reportedly not plead guilty.


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Virgo: Frank Abagnale

The meticulous shadiness undertaken by Frank Abagnale (made infamous in Catch Me If You Can) is exactly the kind of scam that would excite detail-oriented Virgos. Frank was one of the first check forgers and reportedly passed $2.5 million of phony checks in every U.S. state and 26 countries. Virgos are known for their ability to fly under the radar — and fly under the radar Frank did. That is, until he was arrested in 1969.


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Libra: Anna Delvey aka Anna Sorokin

This scam has all the elements that would appeal to luxury-loving Libras: high fashion, fabulous friends — all the way down to the party girl herself. Anna, who is originally from Russia, tricked hotels, businesses and friends out of at least $270,000 by posing as a German heiress. She is currently undergoing trial (she faces up to 15 years in prison) but continues to amaze us with her style.


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    Scorpio: Dr. John Meehan aka “Dirty John”

    Scorpios have sex appeal in spades…and they can choose to use it for good…or for evil. In John’s case, it was definitely the latter. A practiced con-man, John used his good looks and superficial charm to get into bed with wealthy women — and later into their bank accounts. John’s possessiveness (a hallmark of Scorpios) was highlighted in the true-crime podcast about the scam that was released in 2017.


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    Sagittarius: Nigerian Prince Scam

    No scam is more extra in a Sagittarius-like way than the old Nigerian prince scam. A mysterious prince emails out of the blue, begging for your help safekeeping millions of dollars, to be transferred to your bank account from Nigeria — a country that would surely appeal to adventure-seeking Sagittarius. He’ll just need your DOB, social, account and routing number, thanks!


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    Capricorn: Bernie Madoff

    Capricorns are known for their ambition and seek to increase their status at any cost. No one embodies this quality better than Bernie Madoff, the investment advisor who ran the largest Ponzi scheme in history (also the biggest financial fraud in American history) and who is reportedly is still climbing the ranks even from prison.


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    Aquarius : Theranos

    As the sign of invention, eccentricity and genius, the Theranos scandal is an Aquarian dream gone wrong. Elizabeth Holmes, the entrepreneur behind the failed experiment, claimed that she could revolutionize blood testing with new technology that would be less invasive than standard tests. After it was revealed she had been falsifying details about the efficacy of her device, she went from a valuation of 9 billion to $0. She is currently awaiting federal trial.


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    Pisces : Catfishing

    No one loves escapism more than dreamy Pisces, and internet romance allows both parties to live in a fantasy world. So what if you’re using photos from the early 00’s, or borrowing someone else’s identity…the vibes are real right? Since the term “Catfish” sprung into public awareness in 2010 with the eponymous documentary, it has expanded to other social media platforms, including dating apps and even job sites.

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