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Dear Chris “The Best Chris” Evans,
We are not mad; we just want to talk. On Twitter today you ranked your choices in the family of chips that comes in the box one’s mom buys to sell at Little League games. You know the one: the assortment case that, depending on one’s taste, always ends up with a couple of unwanted bags just hanging out, slowly going stale.
You have to understand Chris, you lusciously bearded snack, this is a fire bomb to throw on the timeline. People are very passionate about their chip choices. For instance, while I personally believe that your first choice of Cool Ranch Doritos is correct, there are many on the ELLE.com staff who would beg to differ. Please remember my early allegiance when you swing by the offices (just tell the security guard you’re here on a Snack Mission) bearing a case or two of samples from the Frito-Lay family of individually-packaged crunchy delights.
Because we live in a democracy (for now!) and every vote counts (sort of!), perhaps the best course of action is to evaluate each of your choices and then leave it up to the public to decide. It’s the (Captain) American way.
1. Cool Ranch Doritos
First of all, ranch dressing is quintessentially American. It was invented on a ranch! By cowboys or something! The only thing better than ranch dressing is cool ranch, which is ranch dressing wearing a leather jacket and sitting backwards in a chair.
On the con side, however, Cool Ranch Doritos have a very strong garlic profile which will literally never leave your mouth. Also, is it fair to rank Cool Ranch higher than the O.G. flavor? There’s a question of loyalty at play here.
Okay, I love you but this has already gone off the rails. First of all, these are not Flaming Hot Cheetos so what even are you talking about? Regular Cheetos are definitely good and will satisfy any hungry person or sneaking criminal cheetah, but two is too high a ranking.
On the pro side, however, Cheetos have a very satisfying crunch and an orange dust that covers every inch of your body like you’re being examined by a crime scene investigator. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Can you imagine all that Cheeto powder in your beard and all over that perfect velvet jacket you wore to the Oscars. Wow. What a mess to clean up. ::wink::
3. Nacho Cheese Doritos
The Liam Hemsworth to Cool Ranch’s Chris Hemsworth, Nacho Cheese Doritos is the perpetual also ran. Great in its own right but not usually chosen over its sibling. Third place feels fair here, but do we need to take a bolder stance on the red bagged triangle chip? Have we been sleeping on Liam Hemsworth? (Sorry to bring other Chrises into this, Chris, but it’s important to use real life examples to illustrate abstract ideas.)
This is incorrect. (Although there is a controversial faction of the ELLE.com staff that actually ranks Fritos as first choice and they must be given their due because we’re being fair and balanced here. So, I’ll say: Fritos are very good to some people!)
But also (and this is the correct opinion), they are very bad and they should not be ranked this high.
5. BBQ Lays
Wow, second to last on this spicy summer treat? I don’t want to take this personally but also my feelings are deeply hurt. Yes, BBQ Lays will give you the hottest breath this side of Hell, but also they are worth it and no one will really mind. Chris, I beg you. Reconsider. Let’s talk about this at my desk. You bring the chips. I’ll bring my personality.
6. Original Lays
Honestly, some people just want to watch the world burn. Yes, Original Lays are thin and unridged and that does not bring some people pleasure, but a chip is a chip, my friend. This is the O.G. potato chip. This chip works really well piled on top of a hamburger and smooshed. This chip has been there for you in good times and in bad. You don’t eat the fruit and throw the rind away! Justice for Original!
Look, I think it’s clear that we have a lot to talk about face-to-face, Chris. I look forward to your reply and will skip dinner so that I have plenty of room for snack consumption. This is important journalistic work.