Trump Is Autographing Bibles Now So That’s a Wrap on Humanity, Right?

Culture

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Donald Trump, President of the United States and Professional Twitter Bully, spent some time in Alabama today greeting people and autographing items, among them hats, $100 bills, and Bibles. As in The Bible.

To quote Judas in the song “Heaven on Their Minds,” “Listen. Jesus. I don’t like what I see.”

The first family was in Opelika, Alabama, today visiting tornado-ravaged areas and meeting with residents. At one point, they stopped into a Baptist church and things, well, went completely off the rails. Someone actually handed a Bible to Donald Trump and asked him to put his scribble on it. Donald Trump, the man who opted out of saying the Apostle’s Creed at President Bush’s funeral. That Donald Trump.

I’m not saying that anyone has to say The Apostle’s Creed, but it’s sort of part of the whole religious deal. Just surprising that Donald Trump, basically a missionary, took a pass on it.

Also surprising: Donald Trump, who is a pointed example in many a Sunday morning sermon, agreed to sign a Bible. I feel like it’s common knowledge that the only people writing on Bibles are grandmothers writing down important dates on the inside cover. Autographs are definitely a new area. Does he think he wrote it, like he also thinks he wrote The Art of the Deal? Very possible.

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Donald Trump signs a hat and a $100 bill.

NICHOLAS KAMMGetty Images

Or is he signing it because of his pivotal guest appearance in the Book of Revelations? He’s like, “Don’t spoil the end for yourself; I got big plans.”

I know given Trump’s history, his behavior, his policies, and all of the words he says, it’s hard to think of a more pious person, but for argument’s sake, why would you want Trump to sign your religious text? It’s like someone asking him to rub some of his bronzer on the Shroud of Turin. Peculiar! What is a person going to do with a Trump Bible? Is this a summoning ritual? A horcrux? Make it make sense!

Does Donald Trump’s signature make it more Bible-y? Like all other Bibles are just kidding but this one is kicking it into overdrive. Make the Bible Great Again???

Did he sign a golden calf after this, to really seal the deal?

President Trump Signs Proclamation Declaring Sunday Day Of Prayer For Victims Of Hurricane Harvery

Alex WongGetty Images

It’s worth noting that Donald Trump: Superstar appears to have signed the cover of The Bible in question, continuing what is a probably a lifelong streak of literally never opening it. Good Lord!

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