Jeff Bezos Won His Cockfight With the National Enquirer

Culture

Here’s a heartwarming story about freedom and the richest man in the world’s penis. Gather round! On Thursday evening, Jeff Bezos published a Medium article in which he alleged that the National Enquirer and its owner David Pecker of AMI tried to blackmail him with the threat of releasing, ahem, intimate personal photos of Bezos. Okay, first of all, what we’re actually not going to do in this wretched present is use euphemisms to talk about penis photography. Dick-guerreotypes, if you will.

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Anyway, Bezos’ Medium article which half reads as the dramatic monologue from the end of a George Clooney political crime film and half reads like every time your most dramatic friend goes through a breakup and tries to “clear the air” by posting a Facebook status about all their grievances. In it, he ties this blackmail attempt to the Washington Post‘s investigation into Saudi Arabia and I am already out of my depth. This went from “Jon Hamm in sweatpants” to “John Grisham thriller” mighty quick! Bezos also repeatedly uses the word complexifier and even my spellcheck is like, “Honey, I’m not rich enough for all those syllables and vowels!”

Anyway, Jeff Bezos, a problematic public figure for many reasons most of which stem from the fact that he has 90% too much money, decided to embrace his true Regina George by opening the full Burn Book and letting it all out.

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Instead of capitulating to the tabloid’s strong-arm tactics, Bezos used his poison pen (poison peen? No, no. Too much.) to compose a scathingly sassy public rebuttal, brilliantly titled “No thank you, Mr. Pecker.” Not only did Bezos expose the whole Saudi connection, but he took it a step further by publishing AMI’s Chief Content Officer’s entire blackmail e-mail in full, including graphic descriptions of the dick-tures in questions. The Reynolds Papers immediately burst into flames.

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Bezos, who should teach a college course on petty and also should pay his warehouse workers and delivery drivers twice as much, copy and pasted every last word including “CONFIDENTIAL & NOT FOR DISTRIBIUTION“, which includes a typo.

The blackmail email, which was sent at 3:33pm, begins “I am leaving the office for the night.” This is like when you send you start some drama with your partner over text and then respond, “I’m about to go into a meeting. Can’t do this right now.” Nothing says “I want to meaningfully engage with this” like being very clear about your short work days and your very bad faith.

The letter proceeds like most ransom notes in a terrible crime movie, by listing all of the co-conspirators and the terms clearly and at the top before anyone gets bored. The letter then attempts to “go in” by giving a guided tour of Bezos explicit exhibit. “In addition to the “below the belt selfie — otherwise colloquially known as a ‘d*ck pick’” — The Enquirer obtained a further nine images.” First of all, how dare this person censor the word dick and misspell the word “pic” in a blackmail letter? Send him directly to prison. If you’re going to scam for the National Enquirer, you don’t have to be polite about it, hon.

The dick-scriptions are really a doozy and I think the author of this email has a future in very clinical but nonetheless interesting erotic fiction. To wit, one dick-scription: “A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.” This is so much. Also, not to split hairs, but if someone is wearing a towel, he’s not naked. If you really look at what they’re accusing Bezos of, it’s having a chest and a happy trail. Like… this isn’t exactly Cinemax late night.

My favorite dick-scription, however, has to be this one, which is about 900 times more thorough than it needs to be: “A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.” Don’t stop there; tell us the brand of the shorts! What color were the walls in the background? Had Bezos recently moisturized his hands or were they ashy? Paint a picture; fill out the mis en schlong.

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What part of the bar exam includes writing catalog content for pics of happy daggers, that’s what I need to know?

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Bezos, obviously, was having none of it, as evidenced by the fact that we have all now read a very verbose description of his semi-erect manhood. He writes, “Well, that got my attention. But not in the way they likely hoped” which is the billionaire version of “Bitch, you thought!”

Pictured below: Jeff Bezos shows his d*ck p*cs during a National Enquirer staff meeting in a recreation of the “Big mistake, huge!” scene from Pretty Woman.

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After this triumphant moment, he turned to Mr. Pecker and said, “That’s all you got honey: two left feet and ugly nudes,” which is technically a version of a line from Erin Brockovich but we’ll allow it.

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Bezos was like, “I get Prime members packages for free and guess you just got upgraded!”

Some would say that the moral of this story is don’t ever take nudes, but that’s malarkey. Take whatever photo you want, especially if you have a bajillion dollars. These creeps tried to shame Bezos for a photo of his happy trail and that’s just hair! The threat of taking nudes isn’t about being revealed to be a person with a body. Spoiler alert: everybody has a body. Except ghosts. And ghosts don’t take nudes. They take boooodes. Anyway, the real threat of a nude is that someone will try to make you ashamed of having a body and believing it is worth seeing. That’s bullshit. So, I say we should all disempower our future extortionists by taking whatever nudes we want. And then sending them to me. It’s for freedom!


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